Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.
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Me: Is this birdcage made out of nickel?
Pet Store: Aluminum I think
Me: So there’s no nickel in this cage?
Pet Store: Don’t you dare!
Me: It’s a nickleless cage
Pet Store: GET OUT!
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*
This edible ain’t shit.
*5 minutes later
Is it just me or is it hungry in here?
[sees ghost in my room]
Ghost: don’t be scared
Me: I’m not
Ghost [points to wet patch]: you’re a little scared
Me [nervously]: oh no a ghost
Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”
Having defeated the floor lamp, 4 plants & one “unbreakable” cat toy, my idiot cat has now waged war against my laundry.
The Battle of the Bra is in full swing.
[movie theater]
Her: *Hands me popcorn bag* Can you put this down?
Me: *grabs bag* You stupid, overpriced, salty piece of shit!
BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*
AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
DID Y’ALL KNOW THAT THEY MAKE CAFFEINATED WATER? WHY AM I YELLING?!?
[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall
‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’
If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.
I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks
OLIVE GARDEN: When you’re here, you’re family!
ME: Can I get a–
OLIVE GARDEN: No, we have food at home.
Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered
[from under your bed]
Babe, are you mad at me?
I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”
good friend is late 20s. in shape, has £10,000 a year, lives in a fine house with some of the finest woods in the country. but he’s consistently ghosted, ignored, or told “you’re the last man in the world i could be prevailed upon to marry.” modern women are broken.
*sees any 3 stars in a row*
(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”
My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.
After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire
4-year-old: What’s “saying grace?”
Me: It’s when we thank the one who provided our food.
4-year-old: We thank the microwave?
ME: *wearing medieval armour* I’d like to book a room.
HOTEL RECEPTIONIST: How many nights?
ME: *lifts visor* Just me.
Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.
Why do they put stools in bars? They’re like the tipsiest type of sitting utensil
Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.