Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.
Girl: yes baby, punish me.
Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.
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I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
I load the dishwasher with delicious and reckless abandon, laughing aloud as I do: HAHAHA, MOTHER, how do you like me now!
8: Grandma’s car just pulled in.
Me: OMG please help me fix this
The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.
I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.
A student today met with me virtually in her pajamas with a blanket and a hippopotamus crocheted hat on. I was so jealous.
ME: with the vaccines coming i’m feeling hopeful
HER: yeah life might go back to the way it was
ME: ok now i’m bummed again
Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses
Daughter: Dad, did dinosaurs really exist?
Me: Yep.
D: But how can you be so sure of that?
M: I’ve seen them in museums
D: Really!! Didn’t know they had museums when dinosaurs were about.
*getting ready for bed*
Me: Oh did you lock the front door?
Burglar: I’ll go check it
Me: Thanks hon
Wife:
“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub
Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit
Son using Ouija board: HEY MA
Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.
I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.
I was wondering what was poking my stomach and it was a potato chip I had with my lunch that fell down my shirt. Damn we even took a nap together.
Sorry, Ghostbusters.
At best, I might email or text you.
bully: gimme ur sandwich
me [pulls knife]
bully: hey man I don’t want any-
me: -crusts. i know
When someone points at your black clothes and asks whose funeral it is,
having a look around the room and saying ‘Haven’t decided yet’ is typically a good response.
I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that
Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.
Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.
Deer: *frozen in headlights*
Deer’s mom: I TOLD you to bring a sweater
7: Today in school we had to write 4 sentences about what we ate for breakfast his morning.
Me:
Him:
Me: I forgot to give you breakfast, didn’t I.
one of my ex’s just randomly sent me $200 for “the trauma he caused me”. this is the only form of apology i will be excepting from now on
Who let the owls out WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
men’s occupations according to their shower products: hunter, lumberjack, mechanic, lumberjack again
women’s occupations according to shower products: goddess, mermaid, moon spirit, butterfly,
Pee pressure > peer pressure
Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.
[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare