When folks hear I’m a therapist they often say, “Hey I should talk to you.” and I’m like, “I thought that’s what we were doing.” Then we laugh and I send them an invoice for 150 dollars.
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“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?
the cat just jumped in through the window, saunted right through the living room and STOOD ON MY BANANA SANDWICH FOR FIVE SECONDS WITH HIS DIRTY FEET WHILE SCREAMING AT ME FOR BEING LATE WITH HIS LUNCH FOR GODS SAKE
Him: Hey girl, what that mouth do?
Me: Mostly complain. Sometimes binge eat. I also get these weird sores that – wait, where are you going?
She said she liked it doggy style…
…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.
I’m not afraid to run into an ex here. Her tweets would be all lame like ‘my dog is cute’ and mine would be all cool like ‘I love you Susan’
i hate when google maps keeps rerouting me to the faster route that goes thru traffic. i know my route is longer google i made this choice for my mental health
I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp
This text from my boss has every element: “Water you doing? Wind did you get to work this morning? Why on Earth did I hire you? You are Fire’d”
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.
I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.
{Bear walks up to me}
ME: Plays dead
BEAR: Get up, I just want to talk. Who are you voting for in the election
ME: Ugh, a poller bear
not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex
[Inventing Canadians]
Angels: *giggling* omg they’re SO nice!
God: Oh yeah? Check this out. *drops hockey puck*
Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry
I know I’m not alone but my biggest pet peeve is when one of the residents in my home yells from the kitchen to no one in particular (me), “ARE THE DISHES IN THE DISHWASHER CLEAN OR DIRTY?”
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition
I’ve reached a tipping point in life where my interest in baked goods is greater than my interest in men and I’m calling this new chapter doughs before bros
i’m so vulnerable to nostalgia. the sun will go down and i’ll be like “wow…..remember when the sun was up……..i miss who i was then”
I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.
JUDGE: I hereby sentence you t-
PENGUIN COURT REPORTER: *angrily smashing keyboard with flippers* CAN YOU GUYS SLOW DOWN A BIT
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘condescending’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can. Can YOU?
Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.
Stop naming your dogs Bella.
We are full.
Me: What are you doing sweet girl
4yo: Making my dolls eat brains.Help.
we’ve all been home together for a solid week now and my 6-year-old has expressed daily outrage about how the wh- in “whole” is different than in “when” and “why” and now i’m mad about it too
[airline check-in]
SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light
PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that