“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.
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Sometimes I’ll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he’s reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.
My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!
FOOTBALL COACH: *drawing up a play using Xs and Os* ..any questions?
ME: are we the hugs or the kisses?
I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.
Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?
How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow
Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”
Still waiting on Gwen Stefani to release a song explaining budgeting.
the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud
Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.
*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?
If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.
Me: Well honey, this place is ripe for arson
Realtor: Right for your son? Oh yes
Me: This house will be coals
Realtor: Cole is a lovely name
Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.
Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now
I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”
During a zombie apocalypse, establish dominance by approaching the baddest zombie with the snappiest teeth and braid his hair.
barbara was highly relatable
I just listened to an great session on “Designers and Gyaan” hosted by @dharmeshba. It provokes a lot of good questions. I can’t help but contrast this with academia. In academia, I get the teaching/speaking opportunities based on how well I “publish.” Many professionals, 1/n
cop: do you have a permit for this?
noah: god told me to build it
cop:
noah:
cop: is that true?
god: never seen this man before in my life
I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.
10 WARNING SIGNS THAT YOU’RE CURRENTLY READING A LIST
if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face
“Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?”
Here’s 10 reasons why I should get the job
“ok”
Number 7 will shock you
“You’re hired”
Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean
The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist
Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.