Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.
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Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.
5: I’m bad at this puzzle
Me: you’re trying your best! Mommy has a hard time with that one too!
5: yeah, because you’re bad at it
Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?
“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…
I don’t know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur
Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years
Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
me: Why?
I have a new favorite meme page
Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions
Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two
obsessed with this tiktoker who has leaned into his miss piggy impression by recreating movie scenes like the monologue from hereditary
what’s the funniest celebrity name if you swap their initials? I’m torn between Wenzel Dashington and Hom Tanks
– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:
*getting kicked out of bookclub*
me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are
Boss: why are your eyes red?
Me: I got shampoo in them
Boss: we’ve talked about this
Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes
Boss: mhm
Me: but you can’t deny this volume
Boss: oh I am painfully jealous
I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.
Probably with the other sock.
The wife declined my suggestion we try a different position in the bedroom for a change.
Apparently she’s more than satisfied with the existing two rooms/two beds arrangement.
First zoom call: wears business casual, styles hair, places orchid in view of camera
Latest zoom call: Holding a beer at 9am, wearing Biore strip, blood on shirt, do not know whose
My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house
Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.
Staying with my parents, part 6:
My mom: Oh hey, those fruit leathers you ate expired last month, just so you know.
Me: WHAT? Nooo!
Her: Next time you should read the box.
Me: I mean…I didn’t think I had to cause I trusted you
Her: lol that was your first mistake
Customer: did you know that when octopuses get mad they throw things at one another?
Me, slowly suspecting my ex might have been an octopus: you don’t say…
When the priest reads my eulogy, I want the first line to be “Personally, I never liked this asshole”.
therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session
INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body
Who let the owls out WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO
GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is
ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal
GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good