*covers kids eyes*
“Hey Billy, guess who?”
“Dad!”
“Nope”
“I knw its u dad. I know ur voice”
“Its not ur dad”
“Stop jking”
“Ur adopted”
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The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.
When I die and eventually go to Hell I’m going to flirt with the Devil like “So, did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?”
Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.
There was an episode of the Flintstones where a mechanic worked on Fred’s car HEY FRED YOURE GETTING RIPPED OFF THERE IS NO ENGINE IN THERE
I remember when it was called “drinking a glass of water” instead of “hydrating.”
Boss “Are you high?”
If I was high could I do this?
*opens a tube of Pringles and eats only 1 of them*
“Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.
“At this point, if the Zodiac Killer is still alive, he’s gonna reveal his identity just so people don’t think he’s Ted Cruz. “ – my wife
7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait
Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby
Currently trying to estimate how many steps I lost searching the house to find my Fitbit.
Wife: Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite!
Me: Haha funny.
[under the mattress]
Bed Bug King: TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL *tiny drums bang*
Found out it’s $3000 to get laser eye surgery and $300 to get laser hair removal so I’m just gonna get the hair removal on my eyebrows and scootch up a bit when they start.
This is so me 😂😂
We paid off the car and suddenly the bank doesn’t call or write anymore. It’s like the last 4 years meant nothing.
Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.
Dear BJ’s,
Either your employees are very rude…
Or, the name of your store is terribly misleading.Sincerely,
An ‘Unsatisfied’ Customer
Boss: I’m sorry but you’re fired
Me: But I’ve poured my blood, sweat, & tears into my work!
Boss: Exactly. Cupcake sales are down 75%
this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen
I was supposed to be taller, but I made it up with width for the sake of Geometry.
*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”
haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho
I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?
Sex so bad the Oompa Loompas sang a song about it.
Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work
*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*