[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”
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Eve: I’m hungry
Adam: wHy dOnT yOu hAvE aN aPpLe
Eve: not this again
The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.
*watch tv in separate rooms.
I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie
I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me
Welcome to your 40s, you now respond to every younger person telling you their age with “Jesus Christ”.
ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
I found out why my computer keeps freezing. Apparently I’ve got too many windows open.
PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes[home]
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal
Me: So Christ’s body is the bread?
Priest: yes
Me: and he rose from the grave
Priest: yes…
Me: because of the yeast?
Priest: no
Me: okay, none of this makes sense
“Name him Mufasa, it means “king” in Manazoto. And uh, we’ll call HIM Scar. Because his face.”
Simba’s grandparents were the real villains.
WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇
*links to story on mainstream media site*
when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth
mother in law: [eyes turn black and pukes all over me] I’ll eat your soul
wife: oh my god she’s possessed
me: you sure? I mean you know her better but
I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies
[scans box of condoms at self checkout]
UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA
[scans again]
UNEXPECTED ITEM
wtf [scans again]
I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU
Next time I get asked in an interview what would I do if I win the lottery I’m going with “I’d start a cult” and see where things go from there
it’s not really fair to ask kids what they want to be when they grow up because as a kid I had no idea being a podcast cohost who does no research and just gasps or laughs was an option
Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.
Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.
Someone used my email address for their discord account so I logged into their account and deleted it lol.
A bug on my hood as I’m leaving the driveway. Suddenly I’m the nameless adult in a Disney movie ferrying him away from all he’s ever known.
Instagram better not use my cloud pics. THEY’RE MY CLOUDS GET YOUR OWN CLOUDS ZUCKERBERG!
Don’t “pshhh” me, you stupid bus.
If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.
If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you
*Puts on angry eyebrows*
I’ve had to repeat everything I’ve said to Alexa today like we’re married.
why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead
Me: “Your baby looks just like you.”
-“Thank you!”
Me: “Funny you took that as a compliment but ok.”
Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!
interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure?
me: I’m better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest