I used to workout to get laid. Now its to impress whoever will be performing my autopsy.
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A welcome mat is a gateway rug.
[at my funeral]
pastor: hey this casket is empty
me [whispering from the bushes]: get to the part where everyone cries
Thursday Thought.
the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling
[Watching an educational show]
[3 year-old asks a million questions I have no answer for]
Me: Okay, let’s watch Bugs Bunny instead.
[5 minutes later]
3: Why doesn’t he hop?
Me: ᴰᵃᵐᵐⁱᵗ
This bitch wants me to take her to dinner at an expensive restaurant. Like I’m not trying to save up for a Nerf Gun or anything.
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Probably my communication skills.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
*Shakes wife awake
“Honey. I’ve done it. I’ve invented a time machine!”
Wife:Omg kill Hitler!
“What? It’s a time machine: it tells time.”
I ate an entire pound of blueberries today so honestly I hope some oxidants try to step to me I’ll send them crying to their mommies
my retirement plan is braless
King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.
If being chased by an alligator be sure to run in a zigzag pattern so he can get in his cardio before ultimately catching and killing you.
Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…
Told my daughters they get to split the inheritance when we die and my 10 y/o asked, “Will you leave me more if I’m your lawyer?” She’s clearly ready for a legal career.
Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug
My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.
the disturbing lack of time travellers arriving to stop 2020 happening suggests we never actually invent it
What is wrong with me?!? Asking for a friend..
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘sarcasm’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Ooooo I would love to
I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.
I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”
Her: Who ate all the ice cream?
Me: *blaming the dog* Reese
Her: What? How?
Me: Witherspoon
excuse me, are you an Angel that fell from heaven? because my friend Doug died and he owed me $40 and I wondered if you could remind him for me
As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?
[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw
My toddler climbed out of her crib and my first thought was “Why don’t they make some kind of lid or attachment for the top of these things?”
Then I realized thaaaaat’s a cage.
Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.
I don’t want to sound alarmist, but EEEEOOOO EEEEOOOO ANK ANK ANK ANK WOO-OOP WOO-OOP WOO-OOP
Today’s homeschooling Google searches: