I don’t gamble. I don’t do drugs.
I guess my only real vice is Twitter. Well, that and lying about gambling & drugs.
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Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.
Me: Hey Mom!
My mom: Oh haha I get that all the time
Me: Wha-
Definitely my mom: *walking away from me* Just one of those faces, I guess!
I respect the tenacity of the Jurassic theme park investors who won’t stop trying to crack the profit formula for making money on murder monsters who keep eating the customers.
Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?
Look, you can tell me what to do in an emergency and that’s fine, but I’m going to do what I do best, and that is panic.
ME: someone stole my credit card number
BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?
ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them
Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader
Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.
*bakes 12 cookies*
*waits for family to come home*
*eats 12*
*family arrives*
5 year old: “I SMELL COOKIES!”
“Weird! Here’s a salad.”
Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that
According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.
*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.
My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.
*deletes your contact information*
Siri: Are you sure you really want to do that? You’ve already deleted and re-added this guy 17 times.
My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.
Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.
Finally, a door that understands me
“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”
– People who don’t have kids
*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
“Wha–”
You’re way too dumb.
“Wait–who..”
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.
You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room
[me sneaking to the bathroom at night to check twitter]
Wife: what are you doing?
Me [looking around for excuse] just…changing my tampon
If I win the lottery I’m gonna run political style ads about my neighbor
JERRY THINKS IT’S OK TO PARK A CAR ON THE GRASS AND HE DRINKS CHEAP BEER FROM A SHOE
I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.
Laziness is the art to rest before one gets tired.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes
#Wednesday
Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?
Like they do now… Holy shit.
The future is now.
My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.
Concierge: Welcome to Paris, monsieur.
Me: You recognize this man?
*slides photo*
Concierge: That’s Pepe le Pew.
Me: If you see him you call me. *leans in* My cat’s been taken.
I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.