Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.
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I just cleaned the birdbath and now there’s a line for it.
Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no
If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.
I’m not one to bet, but I’d put $50 on the fact that the waffle was probably created when someone accidentally stepped on a pancake.
Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.
New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!
Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail
Sleep patterns are fascinating. There’s light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can’t easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.
The Purge, but only for people who use their speakerphones in public.
romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”
My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.
She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂
confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”
DATING IN YOUR 20’S
“It’s not going to work out I don’t like the way he chews”
DATING IN YOUR 30’S
“It wasn’t even a felony and he was never convicted. Also living at home makes sense bc it allows him to be close to his mom & it’s walking distance to the Pizza Hut he works at”
*Sad trombone noise*
Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”
I would bang you so hard
over the head
with a frying pan
All I’ve ever really wanted is a modest little home, nothing fancy. A usable kitchen, a yard for the dog, a sprawling bookcase-accessible secret Victorian library with a minimum of three rolling ladders and a kindly ghost librarian. I don’t ask for much.
(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.
Or so I’ve been told.
Twice now.
ME: You’re a silly sausage aren’t you?
SAUSAGE: [peering over spectacles] I may have acted out in my youth but that’s not what defines me.
My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.
The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.
“Women & Children first” i yell heroically from the Dentist’s waiting room
a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today
*opens kitchen drawer*
Me: Whoa, what’s with all the whisks?
Sir-Mix-a-Lot: Why you judgin me?
What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?
I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks
[adrift at sea]
CLOWN: no worries, we can use this helium canister to propel us to shore
ME: *really squeaky voice* we need a different plan
My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.
Me: You’re supposed to be taking a nap
4-year-old: I am
Me: Then why are you standing here?
4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: This is a dream
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker