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To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”
I want your life.
Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging
on my driver’s license I look like a hobo
in person, I am groomed and wearing decent clothes
the bartender studies my ID, studies my face, then says to my girlfriend, “good job”
Son: what will happen when I die?
Me [lowers newspaper]: there’ll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we’ll turn your room into a gym
Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.
Moses: And number 7 is thou shalt not steal
Ol’ lying, thieving, murdering Dave who hates his parents: This is starting to feel personal
[date]
Her: so you’re a mathematician?
Me: no actually I’m a *pythagorean doves fly out of my sleeve and hit her in the face* mathemagician
I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat
“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.
I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.
I tried to be domestic & cook. Microwave is on fire. A waffle maker, 3 pans, a toaster & my neighbors cat in the trash. Making soup is HARD!
How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it
My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.
[first day as a negotiator]
me: ok
“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”
Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t use an everything bagel as a loofah in the shower tomorrow
All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt
When I snag the last meatball.
things a whale might end an email with:
-i hope this email finds you whale
-best fishes
-may your days be full of peace and krillthings a whale probably wouldn’t end an email with:
-f*** y**
-you’re d*****t
-i am going to find and kill you
WIFE: our son has an A in Biology!
ME: *shoving another donut in my mouth* I wasn’t the one who taught him how to spell
I bought a CD today.
Now I’m waiting for my carriage to take me home, because I have laundry to do at the river and butter to churn.
My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.
People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.
My brain is a bad influence on me
Mission Control: Stand by for launch in 5-4-3
Astronaut: WE’RE NOT READY YET
MC: Why?
Me: [in background] No way man seatbelts are for nerds
I got pulled over for speeding just outside Atlanta. The cop asked why I was in town, I said to do stand up, he asked me to tell him a joke, I told a really dirty one, he didn’t give me a ticket. Honestly, one of my all-time highest paid stand up gigs!!!
*London, 1592*
Pizza Boy: Hark! I hast brought thine order
Lusty Wench: Alas, I hath not a tuppence to pay for thy cheesed bread! Mayhap there is some other way thou canst get thine…pound of flesh?
Pizza Boy: Gadzooks! *funky lute music begins*
people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
Work said I was going to do a drug test today. So far I haven’t tested any drugs, but this weird guy asked me to urinate in a cup.
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.
Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.