”It looks like that man who seems familiar is waving at me, but is he really?” And that my friends, is what I should have thought before waving back😬
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9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week
Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months
If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
Kids today will tell you how they hate tomatoes while eating chips and salsa.
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products
how tf do u spell matthew mick hon hon hay
my son is also my best friend (huge mix up at the adoption agency)
-Sorry I was sick and missed your party.
-It’s next Saturday.
-Sorry I’m going to get sick and miss your party.
My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw
I hate spitting so much. In “Titanic” when Jack and Rose spit at the sea, I was done. They got what they deserved. The sea did what it had to do.
*undercover cop knocks* Hi fill out this survey to win a free IPad!
1. name
2. address
3. email
4. where are drugs
*mustache falls off*
BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.
Everyone turns around and stairs at me.
her: what shall we eat tonight? any ideas?
me: I’ll just call the pizza guy
her: ok
[later]
pizza guy: you could make a nice lasagname: love it
Glass caskets: will they become popular?
Remains to be seen.
Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.
A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.
“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk
Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired
If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.
HIM: We need to decide who to eat first as we’re stuck on this desert island
ME: Actually it’s a “deserted” island
H: Ok so that was easy
*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever
This lady on the train has that raspy, cigarette, alcohol, at death’s door kinda voice. I’ma see if she’ll record my voice mail message.
20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys
Barista: Name?
Me: Lotta Sexhaver *wink*
*Time passes*
Barista: Got a latte for Virgin McLiar
[Yelp review for Mario Bros Plumbing]
Ate my mushrooms, killed ALL my turtles, stole my coin collection. 1 star.
-Bowser K.
Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy
Him: “I like your locket.”
Me: “Thanks! I got it from a thrift store and it has a picture of a dead couple in it.”
Him: “How do you know they are dead?”
Me: “They are standing behind you. They said they like your hair.”
*Walks into puppy store wearing a large trenchcoat*
*Hurries out of puppy store in a much tighter-fitting trenchcoat*