Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.
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she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
Regrettably, we are forced to raise the price of our products and services due to the reason that we want to
ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning
moses: 🙂
ramses: oh you son of a-
Pretty sad that if you want to hit people in the knees with a hammer your career options are limited to doctor or enforcer for the mob.
A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.
[movie theater]
TRAILER ANNOUNCER: how far will one man go…..to protect what he loves
ME: [turning to person behind me] pretty far i bet
Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)
I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard a cat screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. Sometimes they do that when they are in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT
Amazing how each of the kids in Willy Wonka was written to represent a different deadly sin: pride, gluttony, sloth, chewing gum until you become a blueberry, greed, etc.
[mid to late 13th century]
me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] “everybody listen up this is a robbery”
u guys do know that when u say “frig” we ALL know what you mean? At this point u might as well just say “frog pig” its not even that bad
Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business
I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. ‘Dad, that’s the first time’
‘That’s a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.’
So I robbed a bank
I texted my husband “I want pizza but I need to go to the gym” in the hopes that he would try and steer me back on the right path and motivate me to go to the gym. But instead he replied “Same, let’s get pizza” and so yes it is true that marriage makes you fat
What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
Hate it when dudes say “leave something to the imagination!” like what do you think is under my clothes? a mystery prize? a pumpkin? Obama?
[ouija board]
“Spirits are u there?
I A M H E R E. Y O U W A N N A T A L K? Y O U W A N N A H A N G O U T?
[squints]
“A needy board?”
Having defeated the floor lamp, 4 plants & one “unbreakable” cat toy, my idiot cat has now waged war against my laundry.
The Battle of the Bra is in full swing.
[gets cut off in traffic]
my friend, you’ve made a very powerless & easily distracted enemy
[commercial for mops]
*scene of a man licking up a pool of spilled soda off the dirty floor*
“There has to be a better way”
Narrator:MOPS
Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”
The smallest amount of kindness can change the trajectory of one’s day. But on the flip side a good small pinch on the outside of the upper arm can also change the trajectory of one’s day.
All I can say is, choose wisely.
ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*
me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
Me: *showing photos on my phone* that’s my daughter in her play, and that’s my son covered in mud
Colleague without kids: *pointing at his phone* this is me in the Bahamas, and that’s my Porsche
Me: Let’s not do this anymore
If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.