[Sperm Bank]
DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy
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lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day
My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.
What number SPF blocks people?
Theresa nothing worse about a breakup than your ex’s name autocompleting whenever you type a word that starts with Theresa same letters
Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.
Friend: Take more chances in life.
Me: I wonder who would notice the missing mini fridge first, the hotel cleaning staff or the next guest?
All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”
I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!
Me: I’ve gone my whole life without having any hearing problems.
Middle age: Hold my beer.
Me: What?
[Pet store]
Boss: “I have to fire you. I know you’ve been stealing puppies.”
Me: “You can’t prove that.”
*My purse starts barking*
Anyone can recommend a good Hobbit movie?
Mr. Smith: My family names goes back to my ancestor that was a blacksmith.
Mr. Carpenter: Mine goes back to an ancestor that was a woodworker.
Mr. Dickinson: Mine goes back to an ancestor we no longer speak of
How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.
shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit
*on death bed*
Kids: I had a bad dream, can you move over so I can sleep with you?
*gets kicked in the ribs*
I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.
Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.
Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
Teacher: Ants can lift things that are heavier than they are
Kid: How can a thing be heavier than it is?
Teacher: No, you’re not understanding—(sees it’s almost 3 pm)—because magic
Which wines pair best with gloating?
A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he’s naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
I love when the parent in a movie says goodnight and the kid actually goes to bed for the rest of the night. I laugh, I cry, I roll my eyes
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.
Another perk of being a music teacher…
PARK RANGER: to be a guide you need to be able to name all the animals
ME: no problem
[later w/ a group]
ME: that’s Greg, & that’s Linda…
wife: our daughter jumped off the roof?!?!?
me: she thought she could fly
wife: did you yell at her?
me: of course! I screamed “FLAP HARDER” but she didn’t listen
60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.
I made quiche, like a real grown-up. I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway when he makes fire… I HAVE MADE QUICHE!
yeah I’m a CEO
Constantly
Eating
Oreos