Me: Pork chops, in a sherried cream sauce, with roasted garlic and dried chanterelles.
Her: So cream of mushroom soup.
Me: Basically
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What’s a movie everyone recommends to you but you’ve never seen? Mine’s the safety video for this forklift I’m operating.
TV shows and movies have given us the impression that working in the FBI is exciting, but it actually involves carrying a bunch of boxes out of a house. It’s like having to help someone move every day.
I call my smoke detector Gordon Ramsay because every time I cook it screams at me
I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.
when i’m stressed i close my eyes and imagine i’m on a beach, neurotically pacing back & forth within a very small section of that beach
A dead goose is called a ghoost
When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
Imagine being reincarnated as grass?
Smothered by snow. That melts and then you get trampled by kids at play, shit on by dogs, scorched by sun, flooded by rain, then once a week have your head chopped off.
If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.
To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?
*leaves work early and pulls in to seedy 4 hours stay motel on the highway. Looks around to make sure no one sees*
Me: This is going to be so great.
*sleeps for 4 hours*
My schedule in my 20s revolved around kids’ feeding, baths, and diapering. My schedule in my 30s revolved around kids’ school and activities. My schedule in my 40s revolves around my bladder.
RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was “layla”
It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
Venmo me $20 and I’ll show up to your work on Valentine’s Day in a suit and tie (with flowers!) begging for you to take me back. For an extra $5 I’ll do it to an unsuspecting co-worker
Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes
my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.
If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.
Quarantine sucks in a house that’s haunted because a message suddenly appears in blood saying “YOU USUALLY LEAVE AT 7:45.”
[best read with a French accent]
“I am so very sorry sir, without a reservation, there is simply nothing I can do for you.”
Your honor, this whole trial thing is really hurting my client’s feelings
Me (texting): Help I’m in the pantry hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t have used speech-to-text
[First day as a beaver]
Me: Dam.
I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks
I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.
People who think it’s okay to drop by,
It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.