The floor after my kids eat one granola bar
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tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
pregnant wife: what should we call it if it’s a girl?
me: herbert
pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b-
me: himbert
Me too door. Me too.
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady
If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.
Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.
My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.
chore hatred level:
considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes
If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.
When I tell people I used to have a time machine a lot of them ask why I didn’t kill Hitler and I explain that my time machine broke shortly after I murdered Smithsen and when they ask who Smithsen was I always say “you’re welcome”
DR: So, you’re 36 years old, 4 foot tall & sound like a woman. How can I help you today, Mr Simpson?
BART: I don’t know where my hair starts
Why does cake packaging have to be the loudest thing on planet earth? Doesn’t it know that I want to eat it at 3 a.m.?
Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.
villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond
james bond: UNO!
villain: shit
I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage.
She didn’t seem to appreciate my sincerity.
My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.
I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.
[Speed Date]
Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!
Son: What’re the trailers for?
Farmer: Goin’ to market.
S: Why 3 of ’em?
F: One carries cows, one hauls pigs.
S: That one?
F: Totes m’goats.
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.
I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”
My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack
I had to deal with the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes
did… did they arrest the mountain lions
Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
the way parents struggle with understanding remote work is funny.
me: *comes down to grab some water*
mum: is everything okay, did you take permission?
mil: are they happy with you?
me: 😂😂😂😂 I Dont know guys, leave me alone 😂
Easter tip: Tell your kids you hid an egg with $50 in it in the backyard but you don’t remember where. Enjoy a quiet day indoors.