When something is boring we shouldn’t call it vanilla. Vanilla is a rich and complex flavor. When something is boring should call it “red velvet.”
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Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right
[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem
Hubs accidentally picked up my coffee cup this morning, took a big gulp, and spewed it out across the table. What a waste of good Scotch.
[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*
Him: How was your day?
Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.
Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
Fact if it’s mother is trapped under a car, baby adrenaline gives a baby the super strength of eight babies. But that’s not enough babies!
What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE
her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*
In case anyone was wondering. I only missed 2 words this week on my 3rd graders practice spelling test.
4th grade will be tough for us. Please say a prayer.
Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?
I’m gonna hug you in the face with this brick.
I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
Yes. these are prescription Oreos.
yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up
I nearly choked on a hard boiled egg and I know in my heart a cinnamon bun would never treat me this way
Due to inflation my love will now be costing a thing
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going out and spending hours talking and drinking we can spend hours waiting for a toddler to eat a chicken tender.
10yo: “I NEED my iPod!”
Me: “I’m sorry honey.”
10yo: “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!”
Me: “You’re right sweetie. Mommy played w rocks when I was 10.”
“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”
‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’
– idiots
My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.
In all honesty, my new dating service, “Well You’re Not So Great Yourself” hasn’t really taken off like I’d hoped.
Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I’ll be banned for life. But I’m willing to take the whisk.