I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret
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Friend: I need your advice.
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Friend: I meant about my love life.
Me:
Friend:
Me:
Friend:
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Me: I鈥檓 gonna take a nap
Him: ok I鈥檒l go in the next room and make lots of noise
Police Officer: You know, this is a one way street?
Me: I was only going one way…
Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!
*connects a taser to doorbell to avoid human contact
Dietician: We need to talk about your self-control with donuts. Clearly, you have a problem. A donut crumb even clogged your phone’s charging port at one point…
Me: That IS self control
Dietician: how?
Me: If a crumb clogged the port, clearly I didn’t eat the whole donut
I don’t use my hands when I change my tampon. I just sing a jaunty tune and the Disney birds come in and begrudgingly do it for me.
So many village idiots. So few dragons.
Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place
People text “happy new year” and go missing for the rest of the year!
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
Me: WHO DREW ON THE WALL?!
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old: The dog.
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. measure twice, cut once
her: what?
me: what?
I just had a customer shout at me OVER THE SOUND OF THE FIRE ALARM that it didn’t sound “right” so they “legally” didn’t have to leave
Just once i want to meet this mythical “always right” customer I BEG
[Post fight interview w/ boxer Joey “poor choice of words” Stevens]
Joey: “I just couldn’t get that guy to go down on me.”
like idgaf i鈥檒l tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.
We鈥檙e going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it鈥檚 made
Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life
BEEKEEPER: *opens up beehive and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich* If that’s here…
KID: *opens up lunchbox in school cafeteria*
[Super Bowl Halftime performance]
Rhianna: 馃幎 Know you wanna see me nakey, nakey, naked 馃幎
7YO: Why would he want to see her naked body?
9YO: Maybe he鈥檚 a doctor
I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.
5: “Mommy why not?”
Me: “Because you’re driving me crazy.”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.
BFF: do you ever have those weeks where you don鈥檛 want to work out, eat what you want and be lazy?
Me: *eating cheesecake with my hands while laying on a lounge chair* nope.
Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”
Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}
Marriage Tip: If your wife goes silent in the middle of an argument, you probably shouldn鈥檛 ask if you can go back to mowing lawn.
I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.
I live life as a yeti now.
Ordering a meat lover’s pizza is too much commitment for me. I could definitely do a meat liker’s pizza.
Or a meat “lets not ruin this by putting labels on it” pizza.
ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.
GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.