Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.
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I accidentally touched the underside of a public toilet seat with my finger. Well, you had a good run, finger. *chainsaw sound*
PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people
me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies
him: no spoilers
me: i assure you there are a ton
[on knees]
“Oh God… please make this hangover go away.”
[from heavens]
“Due to the Saint Patrick’s Day holiday, we are experiencing abnormally high call volumes. Please hold, and God will answer your prayers in the order in which they were received.”
If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.
If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child
“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters
can’t argue with a guy that has curly hair 🤦♂️ whatever u say gorgeous
Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
Who called it a French guy that has a cat rather than Jean clawed?
My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]
me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 😉
[first day at seminary]
PRIEST: today we’ll be discussing judeo christian practices
ME: when do we learn kicks and takedowns
PRIEST: *rubs bridge of nose*
This year my wife and I decided to make each other handmade gifts for Christmas. She knitted me a hat and I made her a grilled cheese sandwich.
I forgot the word “umbrella” so I offered to share my roof on a stick.
Me: did you know that the white lines inside of bell peppers are called veins?
Dracula: *glides forward* I von’t go vegan
Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in
normal person: 9+7=16
me: if 10+7 is 17 and 9 is one less than 10 then 9+7 must be 16
FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”
“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo
“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”
2yo niece: Auntie Pantie!
4yo nephew: Auntie Pantie!
Me: Haha, they’re so cute.
8yo daughter: Auntie Pantie!
Me: NO.
absolutely not
Sir this bag is too heavy, you’ll have to pay an extra $25 to check it.
Sure thing *dumps 2500 pennies from bag onto counter*
“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
“Uhh-”
I’m bagnostic
I was having a drink of coffee and didn’t see the pothole in the road, so that’s on me.
Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..
Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..
That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once