Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”
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Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.
[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots
Not to date myself, but nobody else will.
I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.
A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.
“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
Cant believe they scheduled work at my 9-5 job the day after I decided to get drunk on a Wednesday I am appalled
when dads have a rap battle
dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!
After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.
girlfriend: I’m sick of you having no sense of direction
me: where did that come from
Smoking is tricky. it gets me out of bed, it gets me outside. It gets me talking to the boys. It lets me look a little cooler than i should. It satisfies my oral fixation and my desire to fidget. It gives me an excuse to get a little snack at the store. But it’s french,
Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
End any argument with a baby by saying “Well, at least my arms are longer than my head.” YA GOT SMOKED, BABY
My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?
Wife: hey take me out tonight.
Me: can it wait till tomorrow?
Wife: why?
Me: because tonight’s not garbage night, tomorrow is
Every birth announcement I see the parents are like “we’re already so in love!” Just once I want a “she seems chill but we’ll see what happens”
CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATOR: the cause of death is blunt force trauma
CRIME SCENE INVESTICROCODILE: I think your rounded snout looks stupid
Ladies, wonder if he’s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.
Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.
I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
What I say: Sorry baby, they were out of bubblegum flavored medicine…Grape, will have to do.
What my child hears: I don’t love you, never have…Now drink your poison.
in a world where big data threatens to commodify our lives,. telling online surveys that i “Dont know” what pringles are constitutes Heroism
*knock at the door*
“H…hello?”
“Hi, i’m not a mouse”
“Phew, that’s good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH
Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!
My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.
Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task