Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.
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THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
Me: [2013] I don’t trust anyone I meet online
Me: [2018] last night I met someone on Twitter and we’re moving in together to become paranormal investigators
I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
The groom watches his bride slowly raise the hem of her beautiful lace gown in preparation for the garter game revealing a giant pair of shiny red clown shoes and suddenly the line about “in circus and in health” made perfect sense.
My Sweet Lord implies the existence of My Salty Lord, My Sour Lord, my Bitter Lord and of course the more recently discovered My Umami Lord
I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.
[assigning roles]
god: the sun shall fuel all life on earth
sun: sounds good
god: and the moon shall make tiny waves and werewolves
moon: hell yes
Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”
And that was the last time she was invited over.
I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.
without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok I’ll pretend I’m a firefighter
Her: hot
Me: *narrows eyes*
Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.
[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does
[first date]
HER: I really like you
ME: I like you too
HER: So did you bring protection?
ME: *gesturing to my bodyguard* Yeah, this is Tony
According to the signage in my state, guys named Ray own car repair shops or adult bookstores.
My well-meaning colleague was extolling the virtues of Vitamin D supplementation to me by saying “Most of us need more D than we’re getting and it’s almost impossible for us to get enough D naturally so we need to get our D from other sources” and I kept SUCH A STRAIGHT FACE
8: When’s dad’s birthday?
Me: June 28
8: 2000 what?
Me: You mean 19…1984
8: 19? WOW
Judge: Do you understand the charges filed against you?
Me: Yes, Your Majesty.
Judge: Your Honor.
Me: Oh, Thank you….
If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
[Wonder Woman shows up]
Superman: Is she with you?
Batman: I thought she was with you?
Wonder Woman: Bruce you literally emailed me today
mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes
They won’t give me insurance on my phones anymore, but yet they don’t make phones that survive being thrown against walls?
It’s nonsense…
Me: [cleaning the house for hours…finds the beloved toy my son “lost” and hands it to him]
9 y/o: Dad! Look what I just found!Sir I-
I made popcorn.
Teen smelled popcorn.
I no longer have popcorn.
Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.
Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.