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On average, it takes a person 7 minutes to fall asleep…
2.5, if Tammy from purchasing is telling you about her weekend.
Krang: My robot body will crush my enemies but they will always be reminded of my brainpower because they will see me through a window!
Henchman: In the h-
K: In the stomach, yes!
The people who choose the “healthier option” at McDonald’s get a bad wrap.
It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.
MAN!! My boss is always all “Blah blah blah!”, “You’re late!”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
Watching TV
Detective: … and the horribly mangled remains were found on October 25th…
Me: Woo! They said my birthday!
If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.
*gets email*
-Do you want to chat with hot nineteen-year olds in your area?-
*responds*
“Can any of them help me with this iTunes update?”
Once again, I have waited till the very last minute to do Christmas shopping. Today I shall battle my fellow procrastinators at the mall. “Here are some socks and underwear kids. I had to shank a woman For these”
Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos
Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
Ffs 🤦♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again
I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”
*mugger snatching Elsa’s purse
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: CANT HOLD IT BACK ANYMORE!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: LET IT GO!
I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.
Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.
I ate it.
Then looked for more.
A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.
If you think Mayweather vs. McGregor is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just paid $100 to watch it.
INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one
HIM: promise you won’t tell anyone?
ME: yeah! [under my breath] except my best friend
HIM: what?
ME: nothing! [whispering] there is a hierarchy of loyalty and your position on that hierarchy is low
HIM: what did you say?
ME: that ur secret’s safe with me 🙂
OPTIMUS PRIME: This is just because I’m also a car. I want to be clear, you being inside me is not sexual for me.
ME: Okay but you saying it that way every time makes me feel like it might be.
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.
Me: Good morning. Allow me to sprinkle some positivity on this gloomy Monday morning.
HR: You can’t just throw glitter at people.
Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.
Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.
REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.