911: Your emergency?
-Karen asked me a question.
911: Not an emergency.
-She asked if I could be more pacific.
911: Cars are on their way.
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Canadian Thanksgiving isn’t the same day as Thanksgiving in the US because Canadians already put gravy on everything every day.
Treadmill salesman: This one has 12 incline levels and can maintain speeds of up to 15 miles per hour.
Me: (dumps two loads of laundry on top) I’ll take it.
Become a minion. Get that bread.
Protip: If friends ask you to watch their kids for them, answer with “sure, it’ll make a change from having to use binoculars” so they never ask again*.
*Even better tip: Don’t actually do that, though
I don’t think my car can fly
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
Me: Christmas is nothing but corporate greed!
Mom: Would you like some more gold leaf sugar sprinkled on your cocoa?
Me: Yes please.
My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.
Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.
My teen being nice to me is getting really expensive.
I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.
This is the most 2017 thing I’ve ever seen.
Mom Math:
If Child A has 2 scoops of ice cream in his bowl, and child B has 1 3/4 scoops, how many days will Mom have to hear about it?
Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.
People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.
Oh boy, $150,000!
Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
She waves.
I wave.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.
I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.
I bought a Christmas tree today and the salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said no, I’m going to put it in the living room.
[young Santa Claus’s dating profile] looking for a girl who loves snow, living in perpetual darkness and cooking for thousands of elf slaves
Today’s horoscope.
●Sagittarius: You’re about to have issues with an Aries.●Aries : Sagittarius think you suck.
I talk a lot of shit for a guy who spent way too long trying to peel a few slices of ham from what turned out to be an unsliced ham “steak.”
I take a prop microphone wherever I go. If a reporter sticks a mic in my face during a tragedy, I can pull out my own and return the favor.
I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
Me: “Your mum sucks.”
GF: “That’s not very nice.”
Me: “No, it’s wonderful.”
Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.
[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.
[on phone with attorney]
HIM: you’re being charged for murder.
ME: damn that sounds expensive i guess you can just put it on my Amex
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.