Me: so what does your husband do?
Her: he’s a dermatologist
Me: pore guy :/
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Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
Auto correct is my worst enema.
fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me
I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.
Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.
I realize that choosing a pasta can be a confusing and difficult decision, but for the love of all that is holy, move your cart to the side.
Me: Snack?
4: anything please
Me: gold fish, apples, crackers and cheese, fruit bar, carrots?
4: whatever you want
Me: peaches, grapes, cheezits, pb&j, marshmallows, cheerios popsicles?
4: WHATEVER I DONT CARE
*brings snack*
4: *full on meltdown* NO NOT THAT!!!
“My favorite New Year’s resolution was to stop trying to reason with unreasonable people. This has reduced both my correspondence and my blood pressure.”
the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules
MC HAMMER: U can’t touch this! … U can’t touch this!
MASSAGE THERAPIST: Please just let me do my job Mr. Hammer!
MC HAMMER: U can’t tou…
is this how new cars are made??
Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”
When someone asks me how my day is, I like to say “Still kinda pissed about Hiroshima,” & then start swearing in Japanese.
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
Bonfire is French for “good fire.”
Me: *being romantic* Take you to clouds and leave you among the stars.
Her: okay, but can we finish the laundry first?
her: the limit on tacos is 6 per person, sir
me: can i get 7
her: no
me: 8
her: no
me: 9
her: no
me: 10
her: you can’t do this forever
me: are you even familiar with numbers
her: yes?
me: 11
“The biblical Noah is no different than say, a Pokemon master, collecting God’s creatures for his own amusement,” I casually mention during the staff meeting while waiting for my PowerPoint to load
this is the most humiliating day of my life
If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun
Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes
Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…
Just ate a burrito the size of a baby *coughs up pacifier*
me: I have a problem.
her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.
me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.
I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.
Me: I just want to go on vacation where the food is cheap, there are no kids, and no other people
Husband: So send the kids to your parents for a week and stay home?
Me: Perfect
god’s mom: clean your room or i’m throwing away those toys
god: moooom, they’re not toys. they’re dinosaurs!
God: you’re a garter snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek?
God: no you’re a snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek!
God: [sigh] fine you’re a small snek.
Garter Snake:
God:
Garter Snake: I’m a smol snek?
Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor
Every. Damn. Time.