“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
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why do birds
sudenly appear
every time
you are near
and how do u
always manage
to fit that many
birds in ur mouth
to begin with
I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.
I’ve been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There’s a really good article I think he should see
Last minute Christmas shopping at Costco in the 10 TVs or less line.
Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.
*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos
BOSS: Ok so far so good. But before we finish the interview I’m gonna have you take a typing test.
LOBSTER: *looking down at claws* Shit
Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?
4: I’m going to be a mom.
Me: That sounds fun!
4: No, it won’t be.
[wine class]
Swirl your wine. Inhale its aroma. What do you smell?
ME: wine
Can you smell its buttery oaky notes?
ME: nope, still wine
30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.
Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –
my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”
Cop: Freeze!
Suspect: Try and catch me! *dives into Olive Garden’s bottomless pasta bowl*
Rookie: We gotta go after him!
Cop: No. He’s gone.
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany
I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.
My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.
Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?
If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.
$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.
Didn’t realize I was playing kitchen jenga until I went to get a Tupperware from the middle & an avalanche of Tupperwares came flying at me 🙁
Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?
me: well, I am not certain but
No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: is this the man who robbed u
*holds up picture of himself*
ME: yes
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: give me ur wallet
ME: dang it
[during sex]
Can you please take your Fitbit off.
2023 was just a warmup
I once had a customer complain that her steak “tasted like cow.” I was so confused that I said, “Well, I sure hope so” which caused her husband to burst out laughing. She quickly shot him the death stare and I often wonder where she hid his body.
My mom just told me she’s been watching that “Game of Thongs” show.
Gawd I hope she’s just saying it wrong.
Ok, Don’t let them know you’re an egg
“Mr Yolk, you are 20 minutes late for this interview”
[drags on cig] I was getting laid by a chick
He’s dead, Jim. Bought the farm. Bit the pita. Shanked the llama. He’s a shit piñata. He’s gone elf. Dropped the fudgsicle. No more potatoes