If you drink 6 RedBulls in less than an hour, they’re not allowed to arrest you for stealing a bus. Read the can if you don’t believe me.
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Here’s the complete list of must have items for a middle aged woman when travelling away from home:
– Tweezers
[Driving back from the petting farm]
5: They didn’t have duckies this time, but they had baby pigs!
[remembering the Smuggled Duckiling Incident from months earlier, I slam on brakes]
Me: IS THERE A BABY PIG IN THIS CAR
If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.
I once broke up with a girl for doing a May the 4th be with you joke. I did it the next day though, and called it revenge of the fifth.
I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.
Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down
a panty hose is what firemen use when there’s a fire at a Victoria’s Secret (i’m so sorry have a great thanksgiving)
Husband: *texting me* Any chance we can skip that dinner party tonight?
Me: *already in my pajamas* If that’s what you really want.
Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.
Jeez, men read so much into it when you ask if they’ll riot by your side in the water wars
Only 1 in 6 Americans can find Ukraine on a map…
Putin is fixing the issue
by just calling it all “Russia”.
In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.
Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR
me: genocide is bad
guy: i totally agree, but just to play devil’s advocate, what if it’s actually good?
me: it’s not
guy: *pulling out pre-prepared notes* no i totally hear you, but actually it is
me: a-are those laminated
teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker
When I worked at Olive Garden I once had a man get really mad at me because the red sauce was made with tomatoes and that’s basically what it’s like having kids
I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”
Twitter is cool because you can sit in your underwear and talk to friends and if you try that in real life you will no longer be allowed within 500 feet of ANY Starbucks
My kids fed chips to some seagulls and now we have to go into the witness protection program.
Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!
Talking to my mother-in-law exclusively in Spanish hasn’t really improved my Spanish, but I have gotten very good at charades.
video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber
My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.
being a grandma is the perfect cover for being a serial killer. no other type of person can comfortably explain 12 envelopes containing curls of human hair tied together with ribbons
Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.
My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.
That was easy.
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.
Life is hard.
My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-
I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.