Me: I’ve had a breakdown.
Tow truck company: Where’s your car?
Me: Car?
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you’d think someone in the room would’ve spoken up like “hey guys maybe it’s a bad idea to make one ring to rule them all”
my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.
Not to date myself, but nobody else will.
There are 3 types of pain… 1.) Pain. 2.) Excruciating Pain. 3.) STEPPING ON A LEGO!
[pulled over]
Cop: Sir the reason I stopped you is your license plate is just a piece of paper with numbers written on it
Me: (offers badly drawn $100 bill) Oh you don’t say maybe this will clear everything up
Bad news:
I got so busy drafting tweets, I forgot to pick the kids up at school.Worse news:
I’m a bus driver
My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people
We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”
I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
Him: I can’t sleep
Me: try counting sheep
Him: did it ever occur to you that the fact that you filled our bedroom with 27 sheep is the reason why I can’t sleep?
Me: aww you HAVE counted them *claps hands*
Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
Her: We had our friend for dinner.
Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.
Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.
Trainer: what are your goals?
Me: to pet all the dogs
Trainer: no, fitness goals
Me: to be able to run fast enough to pet all the dogs
My sister asked if I stole her cream sweater. Uh, yeah. Who else would’ve stolen it? You think a burglar broke in and was like “Cute top!”
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich
You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.
Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.
My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.
I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]
if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates
really makes you think 🤔
Nurse: we need to draw some blood
Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this
Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop
BUILDING INSPECTOR: This building is not structurally sound
ARCHITECT: why
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well first of all it’s made of paper
ARCHITECT: Yeah construction paper!
Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.
walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid
Life is like a can of mixed nuts. No matter how hard you try to get all kinds, you’re always left with a bunch of peanuts in the end.
A robot robbed a bank but was caught when it’s battery died..
Police have no plans to charge the suspect.I’m here all week😬