To Doo List:
1. Cockadoodle
2. Yabba Dabba
3. Voo
4. Sea
5. Didgeri
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Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.
Me: goodnight moon
Warren Moon: how did you get in my house?
Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.
Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.
co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons
bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird
🎵If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds🎵
~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls
[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY
Doc: ‘So you’re not sleeping?’
Me: ‘Not really.’
Doc: ‘You drinking water?’
Me: ‘Few glasses a day’
Doc: ‘Alcohol?’
Me: ‘Plenty’
Doc: ‘Exercise?’
Me: ‘Not much’
Doc: ‘Coffee?’
Me: ‘Yes, please.’
Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great
Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.
I’ve never felt more understood than when my 7yo climbed into my bed, heard his dad snoring like a chainsaw and went right back to his own room.
[koolaid man typing into webmd]
My pee is red.
My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.
Lmao I love the recipe blogger parents who are like “I’m just like you! I hardly
Have time on weeknights! Here is a little ditty I make when we are SUPER busy running between activities” and it starts out “first, spatchcock a whole chicken.”
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
(me, as a caveman, inventing religion):
what if there’s a giant sky man who will be like super pissed if you don’t give me money
I’ll straight up call someone who’s making trouble a “rabble rouser”, and someone who’s rousing rabble a “troublemaker”. I really don’t give a shit anymore.
I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum
It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.
My “friend” Adam gave me an electric toothbrush for my birthday. Completely unnecessary. My gas-powered toothbrush still runs fine, “Adam.”
Just found out you can buy more hangers. You don’t have to choose which clothes go on the 9 hangers you’ve somehow had your entire life and keep the rest in a pile.
I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.
This is one of the many reasons that I am chubby
“And what do you do?”
“I play in a band”
“What’s the band called? Have I heard of it?”
“It’s called blink-182.”
“OH!! LIKE IN THAT CHAINSMOKERS SONG!”
My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work
He didn’t suffer, it was instant
The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane
ME: This is my therapy ham
My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.
He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath
Actually told a girl who’s moving to France soon that “there’s lots of French people over there”. It’s a wonder how I can even bathe myself.