We need to put an end to all these motion activated Halloween props displayed in the stores. I prefer to do all my leaping and high pitched fear shrieking at home.
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A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see
Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.
a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.
I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.
America sucks rn. I’m moving to the USA!
[Sexting]
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille
[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS
me: do you have anything for dry skin?
pharmacist: aloe.
me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.
🤣
One minute you’re 18 years old and in the mosh pit at a Black Sabbath concert and the next you’re ordering compression socks off of Amazon.
[date]
Me: *ok don’t let her know I’m a bull*
Her: “so what are some red flags for you?”
Me: *sweating* “haha red flags? Where?”
If you see my account doing wild or out-of-character things, no worries. It’s not me, I routinely rent it out as an Airbnb
How to unravel a sweater…
A thread 🧵
Therapist: So what steps can you take to break your people-pleasing habits?
Me: Ask my mother what she wants me to do?
Therapist: No.
Me: Sorry. Are you mad at me?
The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.
I put the “rad” into “gradual descent into madness”
Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.
If I ever get married, I’m not wearing white. Nothing to do with the whole virginity thing, and everything to do with being a sloppy eater.
6YO: Mom, I accidentally hit my sister in the head with my light saber
Me: Why are you —
8YO: MOM!! He hit me in the head with the light saber!!
6YO: I already told her, it’s over
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you
me (on desert island): good thing i was able to grab this CD player & my 5 fav CDs
other survivor: I saw you put down bread & pick those up
My 2yo loves to put hats on people, but you never know if it’s going to be an actual hat, a slice of cheese, an empty bowl, or his toy shopping cart.
Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.
Prank: if you’re standing at a busy intersection light beside a guy staring at his phone take 2 steps forward & see if he walks into traffic
My boss want to sign us up for a 401k. No way I’m running that far.
Due to personal reasons, I’ll only act surprised by the same information 7 times tops
I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher