*i got to get into bed but theres a walrus in there*
*i ask him politely to move*
*he wont move*
*i have to sleep on the floor & im annoyed*
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me: we named you after our favorite films
paul blart: i hate you
wife: you should be proud of your names
paul blart 2: you’re monsters
*puts leash around pet lobster*
I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy
*walks into Lobsterfest*
COVER YOUR EYES
hi yes i’d like a vodka salad please
“you mean a bloody mary”
yeah yeah whatever just hurry it up
A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.
Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.
Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section
Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.
Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.
*Makes three typos while trying to correct one*
*Prosecution points to badger*: Objection! This animal has no place in court!
Defense: Your honor, the badger is prosecuting the witness
If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.
[Fortnite with 9]
9 y/o: Dad can I make you party leader?
Me: Sure, why?
9 y/o: So we can have easier matches since you’re so bad.
With just a few days until Christmas Amazon trucks should be treated like emergency vehicles. If you see them coming with their sirens on you best pull over and let them pass. People are getting worried about their packages, ya’ll.
{After Eclipse}
Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?
[Ancient Greek Dandruff Shampoo Commercial]
MEDUSA: *looking super embarrassed, trying to casually brush a bunch of shed snake skins off her shoulders*
Writers will call anything menacing and I’m just supposed to accept it. “A menacing wind” “a menacing howl in the distance”. Just say you’re scared of wind and corgis. Don’t try to convince me it’s reasonable.
DUDE!
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?![Me to the cicada as it hits my car]
If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.
4yo: Mom found this house and no one was home there, so we just went in.
Him: You… just went in?
4yo: Yeah. Just looked around at their stuff.
(A museum. I took them to a museum.)
So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.
me: I’ll have the prime rib
waiter: excellent choice sir
me:
waiter: do we really have to do this yet again sir
me: *after sliding to the other side of the table and putting on a blonde wig* oooooh it all looks so good what do you recommend
Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.
i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.
There is a lady who just asked me if Arsenal is a series! I asked her why?She told me that all Arsenal fans usually wait for the next season
waiter: what would you like for breakfast?
me: toast
waiter: that’s weird but ok
[taps glass with fork]
waiter: i only just met this man but i can already tell he is a great guy, here is to new friends. [raises glass] to friends
I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.
me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?