[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.
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New dad: my kid started teething it’s awful.
Me: want some advice?
New dad: please!
Me: step 1 get a bottle of whiskey.
New dad: okay.
Me: step 2 drink it all.
Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad
Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.
Then I thought of you.
some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
Firefighter: This is a list of what was destroyed in the fire
Wife: Are my husband’s Creed’s albums on there?
Firefighter: No
Wife *slides him $20* what about now
Who called it “playing footsie” and not “becoming sole mates”?
Here’s the most important thing to keep in mind when your kid starts kindergarten: picking them up. Yeah…I just got “the call.”
When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
Telling a woman to get back in the kitchen is a weird insult to lob on Twitter. We can still tweet from kitchens. We have wifi & data plans.
kidnapper: [opens trunk] get up
me: ʲᵘˢᵗ ⁵ ᵐᵒʳᵉ ᵐᶦⁿᵘᵗᵉˢ
It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…
We don’t speak Bingo here…
me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
me: i need answers
smashmouth guy: please i have a family
me: [tasing him again] who told you?
smashmouth guy: aaagh
me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me
smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY
“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.
[a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off]
Me: Hey, that’s not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!
Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.
Meow
[travels back in time to warn 12 year old me about playing video games too much] you become fat and lazy and-whoa Mortal Kombat 2 scoot over
All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.
I’ve decided to donate my brain to science.
[years later, my brain is used to prop open the Science door]
Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.
My mom announced her retirement yesterday, and her boss immediately started expressing concerns about all the tax penalties she’d incur by taking Social Security “early.”
And that’s how my mom found out everybody at work thought she was 15 years younger than her actual age.
The only downside is the realization that several people at work knew how old her children were, meaning a lot of people have been operating under the assumption she had a lot of kids in high school.
*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction
Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants
A surprise party on someone’s birthday isn’t surprising. A better time would be 3-4 months after their birthday, in the middle of the night.
Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”
god: you have outlived your purpose
dinosaurs: give us another chance
god: fine
dinosaur chicken nuggets: not like this