What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?
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How I flirt with my husband:
I’m about to go to Whole Foods, so don’t report a purchase of $275 for eggs and milk
GOD: no work on the sabbath or I’ll kill you
ISRAEL [hasn’t had a day off in 400 years]: awesome!
GOD: what
ISRAEL: we mean…oh no so hard
You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.
*guy acts like he’s gonna punch me*
GUY: HA! You flinched
ME: yes because I thought you were going to punch me. If you actually punched me I would have been more protected. You see, evolutionarily speaking, the flinchers would have outlived those wh-
GUY: *actually punches me*
just thinking about how I had a convo with a dude who said he thinks he’s allergic to almonds bc they make his tongue itch but chocolate is a good anti-inflammatory because his tongue doesn’t itch when it’s chocolate covered almonds…
Me: So I’ll see you Friday?
Friend: I can’t wait!
Me: FINE THEN FORGET IT
I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night
The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.
serial killer: you’re in for a slow and agonizing death
me: so you’re gonna let me live
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.
Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage
Can’t trust anyone that refuses to admit
They are wrong.Sidenote: I do have a place to hide their bodies.
You take the garbage out and forget to put a new liner in the kitchen trash can and your family throws garbage in anyway because team work.
“I don’t care about ‘marketing’. It’s the family name so that’s what we’re calling it.”
“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.
[1st time buying drugs]
Me: can I get a *reads smudged notes on hand* married iguana
Guy: *opens coat to reveal married iguanas*
Me: hell ya
Kids will say anything to procrastinate sleep. Tonight my 3yo called me into his room to tell me that he “bit his teeth.” Ok… well, now bite them with your eyes closed.
Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.
I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.
Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.
LAWYER: where were you on the night of the stabbings
ME (not wanting to admit I was watching the Bachelor finale & crying): stabbing people
I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
My friend told me her kids don’t get dessert every night which really confused me. Like, what does she use to bribe them to eat their dinner?!
If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.
[2 days into diet]
Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
Me: Listen, I brush and I floss!! You won’t find anything!!
Cop: It’s not that kind of cavity search, ma’am.
my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”
*extremely loudly* WELCOME TO MY TED TALK ON USING SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING FOR ADVERTISING.
*whispers* cheerios