*5 puts on shoes*
Me: they’re on the wrong feet.
5: but I can’t…
Me: can’t..?
5 I don’t have any more feet to put them on.
Me: touche
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Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss?
Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why?
Cop:Lol, nevermind
this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy
[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly
Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong
i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery
I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?
When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.
A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.
DATE: [whispering in my ear] i’ve got a secret
ME: [also whispering] is it tacos
DATE: [giggles] no
ME: can it be tacos
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who still has to sometimes call for help because he fell into the toilet while pooping.
Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.
hacker: ready?
weapons guy: I was born ready
[25 years earlier]
doctor: it’s a boy!
midwife: where did he get nunchucks
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm.
Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person
Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.
Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!
do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
Keep it mysterious, ladies…
Him: See you next time. Me: Maybe.
Him: Do you want your receipt?
It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.
Even if it is no one’s birthday.
They don’t even check.
Me (drunk): I was over served tonight
Friend: aren’t you home alone?
Me: OVER SERVED!
[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]
Can’t afford a deep tissue massage? Try sleeping with a toddler
no regrets
What I lack in drive, I more than make up for in drive-thru.
Me: one pill pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: no just one pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: pls only one pi-
Pill Bottle: SILICA PACKET lmao