I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”
You Might Also Like
St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.
Widow: I remember how he always drank eight glasses of water a day
Guy at crematorium across town: WHY ISN’T THIS GUY BURNING
Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?
Wife: do you even know his name anymore?
Me: yes wife of course I know his name.
Dear crush,
If there ever comes a day when you no longer find something to eat, I’m still here…
I mean, there’s food in my fridge 😏
Cop – Have you been drinking?
Me – No, just taking my photo with R2D2 here.
Cop – Sir that’s a fire hydrant.
GOOD COP: He won’t talk except in sign language
BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand
BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent
if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute
*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.
Getting emails texts and calls from school during the school year: WHAT DO THEY WANT NOW??
Getting emails, texts and calls from school in August: IS IT STARTING EARLY?! CAN I TAKE HER NOW??!
She was attractive, like poultry on a commemorative stamp.
When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.
Worked a treat.
Got me twenty years.
Oh sure, when the Fonz uses a public bathroom as his office, he’s “cool”, but when I do it, I’m a “creep”.
Home alone tonight
The fridge is making weird noises
I think the beer wants out….
Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house
Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.
Him: dude I love clubs, they’re great for picking up chicks
Me *nodding thoughtfully* girls love sandwiches
watching Despicable Me with the kids, but pausing it for a quick PowerPoint about how stealing the moon would kill everyone on earth
[tries to take a selfie]
Phone: NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
[deletes a bunch of photos]
Phone: still tho… don’t.
Hostage: *screaming*
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: *still trying to find the end of the tape on the roll*
When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already
“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”
One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
Sex at my age is like cooking spaghetti noodles;
At first, it doesn’t seem like much, but any more, and you’re in over your head.
Of course I get paid to be a mom. I do all the laundry and sometimes I find a dollar in a pocket and that’s mine now
My son said his friend’s parents took him to Disney World for getting good grades and suddenly I’m not angry about his C- in math anymore.
Last night at dinner my 6 year-old asked me what the most dangerous shark was and I said ‘The Loan Shark’ so naturally I received an email from his teacher this morning.
I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.
PRIEST: What is your view on celibacy?
ME: I thought her vocal performance on Goldfinger was outstanding.