Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners
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What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?
Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,
but Chickpeas
can just hummus one.
Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600
Not really a humane solution in my opinion
Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”
When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.
“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”
“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.
I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.
the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account
I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.
The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change
After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.
Setting a dowry for my teenage daughter. So far I’ve got 2 dogs, 1 little sister and an ant farm. Act before midnight, I’ll toss in an iPad.
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.
“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.
assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
According to rom coms, I haven’t met the perfect guy because I’ve never chased an important paper down the block in a gust of wind.
to get your prison name, take your favorite weapon and then murder someone.
Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears
Every year, my childless (by choice) brother tries to find the most annoying toy on the planet to send to my kids for Christmas. So this year for his gift, I’m sending the kids for a visit and to keep them entertained, I’m sending all the toys, too.
I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.
bugs when you lift up a rock
WIFE: omg Will Smith’s son, Jaden, is dead
ME: where’d you see that?
W: Facebook
M: I’m pretty sure that’s a hoax
W: no Facebook is real
Wife: what are you watching?
Me: See II
Wife: don’t you mean Saw II?
Me: not till it’s over
2019: the floor is lava
2020: literally don’t touch anything