If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child
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I got kicked out of the casino in Las Vegas.
I didn’t cheat. I just misunderstood what the craps table was for.
I did a bad I need to share
I broke a thing they can’t repair
I tried denial I tried despair
But settled on a vacant stare
Remind me again … how many glasses of wine does it take to cook a turkey?
me [after hitting a long shot]: FORE
her: are you serious this is mini golf
me [apologetically]: ᶠᵒʳᵉ
George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.
I keep a chalk outline of myself drawn outside my house so any murderers think, “dang, someone’s already got the murdering covered here”
Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.
“UNLESS WE’RE OUT OF CHEESE THERE’S NO REASON TO SCREAM LIKE THAT!”
– me to my kid whenever he throws a tantrum
I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.
Cause of death: doing a gentle twist to the right
Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!
I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance
Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it
“Rock. Paper. Scissors.” – terrible surgeon
Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…
Johnny Depp: no thanks.
My kids don’t like going to bed because they think exciting things happen after they’re gone.
Little do they know them going to bed is the exciting thing.
Date: everything ok?
Me: yeah, sorry. I was just thinking about the death of my wife
Date: oh my gosh, I’m sorry. when was it?
Me: tonight if you play your cards right
I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.
me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-
sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet
Him: What’s wrong with the dog?
Me: Vet thinks he ate bird poo.
Him: What kind of bird poo?
Me: Idk…a duck, a cardinal, a pterodactyl…does it matter?
Him: You and I both know that if our dog ate pterodactyl poo it ABSOLUTELY DOES matter…
Me:
Him: (whispers) It does matter.
right before u die apple should send you a final screen time report like “you spent 38% of your life looking at your phone” and its the last thing u see before u close your eyes forever , and youre looking at the notification instead of your grandson
Sometimes I’m depressed and then a girl stars one of my tweets and it’s like YAAAAYYYY NEW GIRLFRIEND!!!!!
[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”
Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.
pizza
Her: I like long walks on the beach.
Me: Is there WiFi?
Her: Where?
Me: The beach.
Her: What?…No.
Me: We should see other people.
Studio Apartment Available:
– Pet-friendly
– Located next to bridge
– No strings attached
9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas
Me: Day 5,308. The search for intelligent life continues..
Coworker: You know we can hear you, right?
Me: Still no signs…