It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.
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LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.
God: So I was, all, what if there was a fish made of jelly? Like, jelly but alive and in the sea? LOL
[angels look nervously at one another]
DUDE!
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?![Me to the cicada as it hits my car]
[christmas morning]
ME: I have no gifts to bring
EVERYONE: booooo
ME: …pa rum pum pum pum
EVERYONE: yayyyyyy
*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*
I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.
Me: Has anyone ever told you, you have the softest brown eyes?
Her: No. Besides, my eyes are blue.
Me: No wonder nobody’s ever told you…
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines
me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff
It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
Me: Where do you want to eat?
Her: Wherever you pick is fine.
Narrator: Wherever he picked was not fine.
Cats (2019)
me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt
-Balderdash!
-Codswallop!
-Tommyrot!
-Poppycock!Victorian Era YouTube comments
It’s always fun when a man catches feels, gets scared, and projects his fear of commitment onto you:
Him: I’m not into love or dating. I like to be free. This was a one time thing, understand?
Me: Cool, can I have my pizza now, or would that be crossing a line
Hard not to take this personally
Just wanted to let you all know that I have been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in. I’ve only gone and poisoned myself, thanks to my cooking skills. What I thought was an onion for my salad turned out to be a daffodil bulb. They said I should be out early spring.
In Medieval times, people used antimony as a 𝘳𝘦𝘶𝘴𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦 laxative.
Today, we can eat a different hotdog every day.
Netflix and we’ll have to call my ex to get the password.
After getting married, my wife used to joke that she will now have sex with only one person for the rest of her life.
Turns out she was talking about her boyfriend.
Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.
[Phone Call]
Me: My hair has never been this long before
Her: How does it look?
Me: Picture Jim Halpert in Season 1 of The Office…
Her: Oh well that’s actually kinda cu…
Me: …with a big bald spot on top.
Don’t let anyone treat you like a red flag, you’re the whole damn red carpet baby
When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born.
if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them
Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.
Overheard at the coffee shop:
“Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?”
Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.