I like wearing a pullover because the name is also instructions. There’s none of the trial and error that comes with other types of clothing. You just pull it straight over your legs.
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Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!
In case you haven’t checked Facebook,
It’s hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!
*getting murdered*
WAIT!!!!!!!
*buys new underwear and put them on.*
*flosses*
*sets phone on fire*Okay, proceed.
my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked
Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.
Any family visit eventually has the Agatha Christie detective moment where someone explains at length whose fault it is everyone has a cold.
Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.
I stopped my pig from eating a penny.
I don’t know why.
I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.
Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.
whenever i see that someone somewhere has spent a bunch of time making or designing or building something i think about how crazy it is that they never thought to check in with me, the guy with no skills or expertise who spent 10 seconds looking at a tweet about it
“Have you tried just letting go?” Me as a therapist
“Whatever you do, don’t let go!” Me as a part-time mountain climbing instructor
Was a bad day at the office the time I mixed those two up…
When people say “You’re beautiful, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” I want to respond, “Nobody has really been telling me I’m ugly.”
My 7-year-old daughter asked me twice today “what poison would kill someone the fastest?” and now I’m wondering if I’ve underestimated her.
Dr. Dog: Would you be willing to donate your organs?
Patient: Yes.
Dr. Dog: And your bones?
Patient: My bones? Why?
Dr. Dog: (Drools) Just answer the question.
If I was a piece of candy, I’d be Double Bubble gum. Too hard and sharp at first, a fleeting moment of wonderful sweetness and then a long period of tasteless inconvenience.
Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.
Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not
Sorry I use grammar, punctuation and complete sentences. I was raised in a wealthy home where we wasted characters without a second thought.
“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God
Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.
I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment
I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.
everyone: “you changed”
the climate: i know 😞
A little about me: I’m a beekeeper. I see a bee, I keep it. I don’t care whose bee it is. Should have been watching it better.
You can’t drink and drive. You can’t text and drive. You can’t smoke bud and drive. It’s like they expect you to just focus on driving.
Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.
me: you there, boy! what day is it? what month?! out with it!
boy: why, sir, it’s the Wangth of Dongtober of course
me: [slapping time machine] by jove, we did it!