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Drank some sparkling water which makes me burpy and its driving my kid insane.
I’ve never thought gas could get any better but here we are.
Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
YouTube: hey we saw u watched a video about a thing
Me: great, would it be possible to fill my entire feed with that thing, forever?
When I was 8, my best friend & I had a big fight. The next week his family moved away. Dave, if you’re reading this, I still hate your guts.
Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.
Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested
i will avenge u mr van gogh
Don’t leave me hanging, Larry
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*
I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.
Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.
Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!
Once again not all heroes wear capes
Ignorant person: “You’re Canadian. You live in igloos, right?”
Me: “You’re American. You live in McDonalds’, Right?
“felt cute might delete later lolz”
When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced
[to pharmacist getting my pills that make me stop talking about ET]
long day?
“ugh I can’t wait to go home”
know who else wanted to go home
Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
[couples therapy]
Mrs: he’s too handsy, always touching me all over…
Mr: [who is an octopus] I CANT HELP IT LINDA IM LIKE 90% HANDS…
Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.
*finally gets comfortable with you*
*starts whispering in your ear*
“oooo baby I can recite all my phobias in alpha order”
Me: No work tomorrow so I’m sleeping in.
Kids: LOL
Dog: LOL
Brain: LOL
Bladder: LOL
After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political
Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.
Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.
Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad
Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.
Unless you want to win.
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Probably my communication skills.
Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”
Me, “Please…I have a family.”
MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.