My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!
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When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people’s eyes.
LOIS: look! up in the sky!
JIMMY: it’s a bird! it’s a plane!
BABY: *opens wide*
Wolverine: [sharpening his claws] so what’s your super power?
Me: I am good at rearranging letters to form new words
Wine lover: [taking a sip of merlot] I’ll drink to that
HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.
[Gameshow]
Host: “You are one question away from our grand prize. How do you feel?”
Me: “With my hands.”
Host: “Correct!”
*crowd goes nuts*
this is not a scam
DM me if you wanna turn your $500 into my $500.
“More people are killed by toasters than sharks”. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster, you’re in big trouble.
I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”
My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10
[landlord showing new tenant around]
“No smoking allowed”
“How about pets?”
“That’s fine”
[dog walks in and lights up]
“We’ll take it”
5-year-old: *walks up behind me when I’m on the computer* What game are you playing?
Me: Pay the bills.
5: Are you winning?
Me: No.
Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.
Everything was great until I opened my mouth.
– An autobiography
if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson
Cat: WHERE AM GO?
Me: uh
Cat: PLS DO NOT SAY VET
Me: well
Me: um
Cat: U HAVE BETRAYED CAT
*watches Beauty and the Beast*
*looks at dirty dishes in sink*
WASH YOURSELVES AND SING TO ME!
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
Quietly she fades away, drifting closer to nothingness.
Nothingness whispers, “I already have a girlfriend.”
Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.
[8am, phone rings]
Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.
Me: No worries, I have vodka.
Me: I’d like a 90 minute massage please
Clerk: would you like to add acupuncture for $79.99
Me: listen if I wanted to get stabbed in the back, I would do it for free
After taking this customer satisfaction survey, please take a brief survey to let us know how your experience taking our survey was.
A girl on TikTok just said she is wearing her aunts vintage top from the early 2000’s and I’m dead.
I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.
TAYLOR SWIFT: Yes, I’d love to go out with you!
ME: Sweet. *imagining being immortalized in a Top 40 hit song*
The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.