Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.
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Don’t forget when you’re tanning nude in your backyard that someone is zooming in on you from google earth satellite. You’re welcome.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot
Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .
I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.
The phrase “it’s ok if they never make Shrek 5” is such a weak mindset. You are ok with no Fergus, no Farkle, no Felicia. When you stop getting angry after no news, you’ve lost twice.
There’s always more onions, and always room for more swamps, it’s never ogre.
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
[commercial for rakes]
“Are u tired of eating leaves?”
Sir, the children at the petting zoo are unhappy. They think our animals are lame
*stares off into distance*
We’re gonna need a bigger goat
I’m too high watching Secret Agent Cody Banks and my friends didn’t take an edible so I have to act like I’m not high it’s almost like I am also Secret Agent Cody Banks rn
“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”
No, I bought them 15lbs ago
Danger is my middle name. My parents were idiots.
[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]
I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.
Science: I rely on observable data and logic.
Religion: I prefer scripture and faith.
Astrology: I like turtles.
I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.
Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night
4-year-old: It’s not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t.
Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t.
4: Want to trade?
Mom was a minute late serving dinner. Again. I nearly starved.
~dog’s log, August 2nd, 2021
Me: We will leave in a little bit
8: After you put your makeup on?
Me: I have my makeup on!
8: Oh *pause*…you look very pretty
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
Sex is like ice fishing.
If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.
When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..
Good news, people in 3rd world countries, suffering inexplicable hardships- Amy from fb says god won’t give you more than you can handle.
*Throws up some gang signs*
*stabs self in eye with salad fork*Hubs: Next time you do the Macarena, put your fork down.
10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.
I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.
Him: What’s your fantasy, baby
Me: Me, you and my cat wearing matching sweatersWHERE ARE YOU GOING I HAVEN’T EVEN TOLD YOU ABOUT THE NACHOS