This January has 47 Mondays
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I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
Where’s my employee discount too?
Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.
Did you have a good day or did you grab a rotisserie chicken at the market that wasn’t sealed and the juice spilled all over your feet? And you were wearing flip flops.
HYPNOTIST: YOU ARE FEELING SLEEPY
ME: kinda safe bet there
HYPNOTIST: YOU WILL DANCE LIKE AN OCTOPUS
ME: again, still no surprises.
I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.
If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.
I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
Pal: I thought you weren’t supposed to eat for an hour after taking that medicine.
Me: Grapes aren’t food. They’re itty bitty water balloons.
Looking for a date, he must
-be an alpha male
-not shave
-howl at the moon
-not eat all the dog biscuits at once
-ok I’ve been single for too long
My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.
*Opening my window like a Disney princess to greet neighbors who are angrily throwing tomatoes*
I wouldn’t say I hate you but I would push you onto a cactus couch.
if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know
Sci-fi is when Wonder Woman fights villains from outer space, fantasy is thinking Wonder Woman will go on a date with you.
Kids be like mom look at me when you’re driving 70 mph on the freeway.
You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
Women are scary.
Take me, for example…I said goodnight to a guy, weeks ago, and he’s so afraid to say the wrong thing, he STILL hasn’t replied.
Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?
Me *nervous*: children
1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.
Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid
OK. Hear me out. We are acquiring way too many of these and you’re not good at keeping them dusted anyway. So, let’s just dump EVERYONE’S cremated remains into this big one and clear up some table space.
I think I just went to third base with a jelly doughnut.
Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.
watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you think that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out of the cover the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.
[getting a checkup]
DOCTOR: On average, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: *sweating* NO ONE SAID THERE WOULD BE ANY MATH