My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.
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You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened
my girlfriend got annoyed at me for buying our son a whole bunch of new stuff for when he starts school because apparently “cats dont go to school” and “he cant use any of the things in that pencil case because he has paws”
Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.
…The end.
Damn boy, are you my yoga class? Because I want to get hot and sweaty with you in 37 different poses and then not be able to walk tomorrow.
If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
Like that scene in ‘The Revenant’ where Leo is mauled by the bear but it’s just me at your wedding reception dancing with your grabby aunt.
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead Linda
So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.
I think I’m a good looking guy from a distance.
As long as that distance is 300 miles.
“Mommy, why does an old person’s skin look so see-through?”
Aw, honey, it’s just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.
Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.
If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed
“Please be aware that we are experiencing higher than average call volume”
*connects*
Agent: Hello
Me (whispering): hello
My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”
We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: You’ve already written no
Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess
Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess
Wow, you’ve got a lot of hickeys Kris.
Me: Busy weekend *winks
*remembers wrestling that octopus at the aquarium for giving me side eye.
*aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*
me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around
boss: you’re still fired
I’m sure it’s fine.
ME: I’m off to that meeting
BOSS: Forget something?
M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]
B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you
A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.
Me accidentally flirting: Cute, sounds sincere, somehow gives the illusion of confidence.
VS
Me intentionally flirting: “WANT TO HUG? YOUR FACE GOOD. VERY EVEN”
My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.
doctor: your body is weak. take care of it
mobster: got it
[later, gun to his chest]
mobster: doctor sends his regards
“My New Years resolution is to become the guy that tries to start a conversation with you as you leave the room”, I’ve been saying to all my co-workers when they start to leave the room.
Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?