meanwhile over on facebook
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I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.
Ugh. My bed is infested with children.
COP: We have reports of u blasting music.
ME: Sorry I’ll keep the Metallica down
COP: We were told it was Britney Spears “Lucky.” On repeat.
[laying in bed at 2am]
ME: hey siri do they still make grape nuts
SIRI: jesus christ go to sleep
My wife is mad that my daughter is crying in this restaurant but she should be mad that our daughter is so bad at tic-tac-toe that I’ve beaten her 24 times in a row.
When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check
If the salesman doesn’t come with me on the test drive, I just take the car home and wait for them to come get it. I have so many cars now.
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
someone is trying to tell me about a time when 50,000 people would get together in one place just to watch a baseball game.
Sounds fake. nice try, I wasn’t born yesterday.
dentist: lay on the chair please
me: ok
dentist: face up
Wow so when an ostrich buries head in the sand, it’s alright; but when I do it, I’m arrested for trying to get rid of a murder victim’s body.
Is it because I’m brown??
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.
History Channel, 1995: Here’s some things that happened
History Channel, 2005: Here’s some things that could have happened
History Channel, 2015: Here’s some things that realistically never happen
History Channel, 2025: Here’s some aliens that restore ice road trucks for war
how I passively talk to my kid
“customarily, the clothes go in the hamper”
Mozzarella sticks in the streets, mozzarella sticks in the sheets.
There’s never a bad time for mozzarella sticks.
Bought coffee flavoured ice cream hoping the kids would hate it and I could have it all but NOPE! Joke’s on me!
Curse you,
gloriously divine Häagen-Dazs in literally any flavour.
Sorry, can’t. I took my bra off and threw it across the room an hour ago. There’s no coming back from that.
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?
Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.
wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table
me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training
Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.
*First day as a fire investigator*
Me: We’re trying to figure out why your house burned down
Woman: Have you ruled out arson?
Me: *narrows eyes, looks at baby* No
AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief
girl in novel: hi my older brother who is 17 years old and popular, do you want breakfast ?
her brother: yes, remember when mom died when you were 4 and our dad is an alcoholic ?
Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
-Management
#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..
Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.
Wife: You should shake it out.
Me: Why would I want to do that?
When you forget you’re at the restaurant.
(Raising my hand) When this is all over will I be able to go down to the bar, have a few drinks & meet some attractive younger women?
My wife: For the last time NO!
Them: you smell nice
Me: thanks, it’s the dryer sheet I just found in my sleeve