I’m still pissed that “kill them with kindness” caught on quicker than my “incapacitate, maim and set them on fire with affection.”
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I haven’t been drinking.
I know what day it is.
I didn’t lose my pants.
This might be my car.
I know how to drive.-Lies I’ve told to cops.
People text “happy new year” and go missing for the rest of the year!
Roses are brown,
Violets are brown,
Daisies are brown,I’m a terrible gardener.
I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.
When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
I listen to Ed Sheeran in the same way I stuff an entire cupcake in my mouth over the sink hoping no one will see.
me: welcome to todays episode of cribs! this crib has a bouncy castle, lets check it out
[45 mins later]
camera man: should we see other stuff now?
me: *out of breath* no
I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.
me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak
Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
friend: you watch anything good lately?
me: yeah a documentary about this serial killer that lured children into his house and killed them in elaborate ways
friend: who
me: William Wonka
The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.
Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.
Not my fault if the kids give up too soon
My kids: ROAD TRIP!
My kids, ten minutes later:
*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*
Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.
I don’t want to say I’m naïve, but two women asked me to come to their hotel and make a sandwich, and I showed up with a griddle, bread, and 3 kinds of cheese
You’re not doing Britishness right unless you’ve apologised to at least three inanimate objects in the past 24 hours.
They say the more people you see joggin in a neighborhood the more expensive property taxes will be…That’s why I never jog bc I’m just a really really good neighbor
My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.
As a kid, I thought Simba was crazy to run after Mufasa was killed.
But, after watching so many true crime docs, I get it. It does look like he lured his dad to that gorge. Witnesses heard him sing “I just can’t wait to be king.”
A good prosecutor could get a conviction with that
[opens GPS voice command]
FIND DOGS TO PET
A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.
I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.
The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.
I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.
The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.
Twitter: Worchest… Worce… Woostishire, haha this word is so hard to spell, am I right?
Also Twitter: GIMME ALL THE SRIRACHA