[8 eating some chips]
8: Can I eat the whole bag?
Me: No, just the chips that are inside
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Your secret is safeish with me
My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
Me: OMG! Those pics are awful! Why didn’t you use a filter?
Doctor: Ma’am, those are photos from your colonoscopy.
Me: And?
#ParentingFacts
me: can I get a hug?
bartender: *checking cocktail list*
Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?
Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.
I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.
Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets
One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…
Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack
It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell
Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.
And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile
[blind date]
HER: I just wish women were treated equal…You know what I mean?
ME: Absolu-
WAITER: I hate to interrupt but can I take your drink order?
HER: Yes, I’ll have a Manhattan
ME: Make mine a *turns to non-existent camera*…Womanhattan
My toddler was crying because she couldn’t be in the same room as my husband when he was in a work meeting. In an effort to console her, my 10-year-old told her one day she’ll also get to do work meetings. This, rightfully so, made her cry harder.
“Damn! If I wasn’t already married, I’d propose to myself,”
I humbly say as I taste test this homemade mac and cheese.
Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A REALLY FAST CAR TO DRIVE PAST!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
NNNEYOWWWWWwwwww…
Courageously battles through my ice cream headache
While editing, I was trying to write: “maybe this should be in bold, for emphasis”, and instead wrote “in blood”. Still works!
[Last supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*plays Montell Jordan* THIS IS HOW WE DO IT
*Apostles go nuts*
Me: I’m going to the grocery store…any suggestions?
9yo: [doesn’t look up from kindle]
7yo: I don’t care
Husband: Just get whatever[3 hrs later]
9yo: Aww, I like the other kind of rice.
7yo: Hey, why didn’t you get waffles?
Husband: *bewildered* You didn’t get granola bars?
I was visiting my parents this past weekend and Y’ALL, I had no idea how intense birdwatching can get.
My dog just came downstairs and made me go back to bed like he’s in charge of me or something.
Anyway, I’m back in bed now if anybody needs me
My dentist is a nice guy but he asks the dumbest questions. Um, yeah, I think I’ve heard of a toothbrush!
Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad
I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.