At Walmart this lady was trying to reach the top shelf by stepping on a lower shelf, she knocked over a jar and salsa was all over the place, she says can you help me? So I handed her a bag of Fritos from the top shelf.
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NURSE: What’s your blood type?
ME: Oh, I’m not picky. I’ll drink any kind.
NURSE: What?
ME: What?
Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.
Me: Threesome?
Wife: When pigs fly!Do I wish for flying pigs?
Pro: Threesome
Con: High bacon prices*has idea
*starts building catapult
Doctor: You have bronchitis
Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?
Man you get spotted dumping one rolled-up tarp into a swamp and all anyone ever wants to talk about is your “cloud of suspicion”
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?
I chose trial by fire, witch wasn’t my best idea.
“He’s gone too far.”
“He crossed the line between science & ethics.”
“He’s playing God.”-reaction to the amount of cheese I put in omelets
[Court]
ME: You expect us to believe your alibi — that everybody’d gone surfin’? Surfin’ USA?
BEACH BOYS: *sweating* Y-yeah
ME: Then how do you explain this?! *I hold up a picture showing that everybody was kung-fu fighting*
Did my noble deed today and got a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies. It wasn’t for me, it was for the organization of course.
OFFER
FINAL OFFER
BEST & FINAL OFFER
LAST & FINAL OFFER
SMART & FINAL OFFER
FINAL OFFER TOKYO DRIFT
*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race
[Back To the Future, 2018]
Marty’s dad: She texted me back! What do I say??
Marty: I got it. Lemme see…*sends SpongeBob gif and immediatly starts disappearing*
me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.
My wife told me some guy at the bar was buying her drinks all night to get me jealous.
We’ll it worked. I wish he was buying me drinks.
Me: Can you believe someone on Facebook is trying to sell a bucket of old screws?
Husband:
Me:
Husband: How much?
They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.
when adam driver cut his arm in marriage story my mom said “hemorrhage story” and I thought that was a pretty good one
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
[after sex]
her: you were really loudme: *putting down my trombone* yep
SOLDIER: Yankee Oscar Uniform Romeo Foxtrot Lima Yankee India Sierra Delta Oscar Whiskey November
CAPTAIN: Lima Oscar Lima!
husband: we should role play tonight
me: ok you be our hot neighbor Chad
husband: huh, that’s oddly specific
me: listen Chad, it’s inappropriate that you’re in my bedroom please leave my husband will be home soon and we’re probably gonna do it
Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
Year 2: strawberries
Year 3: chocolate
Year 4: donuts
Year 5: protein shakes
Year 6: microwave meal
Year 7: Rat poison.
Yogi Bear: You gonna eat that?
Hiker: THAT’S A BABY.
YB: And I’m a talking bear.
Hiker:
YB:
Hiker:
YB: So where are we on that baby?
I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult
“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do
If you don’t know what to say, people absolutely love talking about potatoes
Thinking about the time my toddler was looking at his pruny fingers after a bath and said ‘mommy they look like your forehead.’