i am developing a ground brekaing new app called “MOneyWallet”, where you earn “Money Points” by mailing cash to my house
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Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.
Robber *gun to my head* sign in to your account
Me *wiping tears* I can’t remember my password
Robber: Ask for a hint. And if you cry again, I’ll shoot
Me: ok ok
Computer: What was the name of your first dog?
Me: oh no
“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”
-my kids, fact checking me
Saw a Police Officer standing right in the middle of the road, in front of traffic, with his hand up, but when I go in for the high 5 suddenly I’m the idiot.
My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours.
Overheard at work:
Mom to her little daughter: “what’s that in your hair? Is that a piece of chicken nugget??”
Little girl, very excitedly: “YEAH!”
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s kinda like a drink but with lumps in it”.
It’s beginning to look a lot like *Christmas.
*the kids are doing what they’re told so I stop threatening to return their gifts.
Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.
Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”
Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”
If it’s the thought that counts, I’m a serial killer
90% of being a parent is shouting, “Remember to flush the toilet.” The other 10% is flushing the toilet for everyone.
Always
Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.
One day you’re young and eating hot wings, the next day you have a favorite flavor of Tums.
[surgeon in the recovery room] in addition to the hernia we also found $20 in change
[me who’s always been a good tipper] you’re welcome
Some of us matured in our 30’s and naturally stopped committing crime as the risk was not deemed worth the reward
Some of us just developed bad knees
Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out
If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.
If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?
“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill
“I wouldn’t.”
Sure, it starts off with orcas destroying boats, Next thing you know, they’re chasing my Chevy Spark down I-44.
Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU
[Waffle House interview]
Manager:“How good are you at avoiding flying chairs?”
Her:“I’m basically a Jedi.”
Manager:“When can you start?”
I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled.
A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower
me: you ever have conversations in your head?
me: lmao no
The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.
Me: *flirts*
Anyone watching: