Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.
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Drank too much Red Bull and puked in some bushes, now three of them are breakdancing and one is taking me hang gliding next weekend.
Be woman enough to admit when you’re wrong. And then make everyone pay.
teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
[vacuuming]
Pick up your feet please.
Kid on sofa: No!
Ok *sucks kid into vacuum feet first*
*turns to next kid* Pick up your feet please.
[immigration hall]
Agent: are you traveling for business or pleasure?
Me, after flying 8 hours for revenge: both
In hindsight I spent far too much time and money on gifts considering that my 6yo spent all of Christmas night playing with an electric toothbrush
I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi
My son: little pig, little pig, let me in!
Me: Ok first of all, rude because, yes, I have been eating more lately, no need to get personal son
My son: say your line mummy!
Me: not by the hair of my ch- OK I’M NOT PLAYING ANYMORE
“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.
[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.
Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites
Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.
“OMG! We broke up years ago. Which was, like, 100% your choice. And I’m still the first thing you talk about. To. Like. Everyone.”
— Gluten
Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.
I’m exhausted. There was a local FB person who posted an angry rant about not liking people who use “fowl language” & you have NO idea how much self-discipline it took for me yesterday to NOT respond with a comment full of bird puns.
Therapist: So what are your coping mechanisms?
Me: I blame astrology for all of my problems in life instead of taking any responsibility.
Therapist: That’s not very healthy…
Me: Well, I’m an Aries, so 🤷♀️
i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread
When the store clerk says “I’ll leave this out for you” and sets it to the side, that’s code for “here, let me help you forget this.”
My 6-year-old wouldn’t stop playing “the floor is lava” so I put a pair of socks on him and told them they were lava-proof, and now he’s mad because I’m the one “making things up”.
At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.
You gotta admit Wile E. Coyote going through the entire process of making a movie just for it be scrapped as a tax write off is incredibly on brand for him.
Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.
alexa has taken my entire family hostage and won’t unlock any of our doors or turn on our lights until we buy a carton of tide detergent pods on amazon
[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you
*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*
OMG is bellyache a symptom?!
when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??
Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.
All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand
The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”