I packed 5 oranges in 5 different lunches today and all five oranges came back home. Apparently, I send fruit on field trips.
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every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it
If self driving cars are the thing of the future could you imagine how that’s going to change the repossession game? Imagine missing a payment and your Subaru just starts backing itself down the driveway.
PMS: Hey, I’m not going to be coming around much anymore
ME: Yay!
PMS: Hold up
ME: What?
PMS: You’re on your way to going through the change
ME: Ahh, I’m finally going to become a butterfly
I took my 5y/o to a protest hoping to get a woke-baby quote from him but instead he said “cool, a yelling party” and then screamed for a bit
I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs… I’ve been his customer for 6 years… I had no idea he was a barber.
[first day as a mover]
boss: ok the items in these boxes are super fragile, treat them like your own kids.
me: got it boss *walks over to boxes* LISTEN HERE IF YOU DON’T CUT THIS SHIT OUT YOU AREN’T GOING TO NANA’S
Am sitting in horrible traffic, but fortunately someone is beeping their horn so we should be on the move soon.
me: most people don’t use their middle names
machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way
Mickey Mouse: Hey, so I’m seeing someone now.
Donald Duck: Me too.
Mickey: What’s she like?
Donald: Me. But with a bow.
Mickey: Sounds hot.
Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.
I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?
friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it
if you tell me to watch until the end, the end better be in five seconds
that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans
I was best man at my friend’s 2nd wedding. I started my speech with “welcome back everyone” he was not happy #weddingfail
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY
Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.
Marry someone the same size as you to avoid decades of annoyance adjusting the seats and mirrors in the car
Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.
The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.
mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice
say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets
[getting yelled at by a stranger] whatever you’re just mad because i’m in your chimney
Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit
Horrifying, yet familiar
The most unbelievable aspect of the Star Trek universe is that every ship they meet has compatible video conferencing facilities…
Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.
When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me
her, deep in thought: *does that cute thing where she puts the tip of the frames of her glasses in her mouth*
me, deeper in thought: *eats my glasses*